Saturday, December 3, 2011

Hell on Wheels

My child is a force to be reckoned with. Today's destruction tally is impressive, even for Miss Chatterbox.

First thing this morning, The Bun treated me to a poosplotion. While I was preoccupied with cleaning her up, Miss Chatterbox decided to be helpful and "make pancakes." By being helpful, I mean she dumped a whole bag of flour on my floor... the carpeted living room floor. She also told me, "No use it, Mommy. It's got tiny, ugly germs." Thanks, Yo GABA GABA, for making her helpful like that.

After that cleanup, I needed to take a shower. A part time single mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do, right. So I locked both kids in the bathroom with me. Miss Chatterbox, of course, has to get in too (Privacy? What's that?) and makes it her first order of business to piss on my foot. Sigh. At least we were in the shower. So, I get her cleaned up and wrapped in a towel and tell her to wait, I'll be done in just a minute. 90 seconds later, I open the curtain, and find her covering everything with The Firefighter's deodorant....including her sister. I'll let the following texts tell you the rest.

Me: Your child just covered herself in your deodorant. Apparently, she covered the toilet paper too, because when I went to wipe my ass, it smelled like you.

Him: So what's your saying is your ass smells good?

Me: Where the sympathy? Next time she dips your toothbrush in the toilet, I'm not gonna tell you.

Him: When did she do that?

Me: I didn't tell you? Oops, my bad.

We're such a loving couple. Anyway.

Miss Chatterbox got invited to participate in the lighting of the Christmas tree downtown, this evening. It was exhausting, but completely adorable. Especially, when she didn't want say hi to Santa, but felt compelled to shout, "I want a scooter" at him from ten feet away. That's my girl- screw the chit chat, Santa, let's get down to bizness.

After we make the two mile trek back to car, I give the exhausted Miss Chatterbox a juice box. Now, I'm married to The Firefighter, so that means I drive a base model, POS, Kia Rio. Why is that important, you ask? Because it reminds you I don't have extras, like child locking automatic windows. And Miss Chatterbox LOVES to roll down the window. We've lost many things out said window before, like shoes, toys, scarves (I flyin' a kite, Mommy!) and flashlights. So, I wasn't especially surprised to find out that the reason I got pulled over was that she chucked her juice box out the window and it splattered all over the cop's windshield. Damit. I was surprised to find out just how serious SC takes their littering. It's an an offense you can be arrested for. Insert really dirty expletive here. So I did was any sane person would do. I played the firefighter's wife card.

"Oh officer, I'm soooo sorry, my husband's is a firefighter and he's on duty tonight. Im so sorry, I don't know what got into my daughter. I don't know how to lock a manual window so she can't do that. We can't afford a nicer car." If that hadn't have worked, I was totally prepared to flash a boob or two. What? Don't judge, yo. There was no way I was gonna go to jail tonight. Luckily, the cop was sympathetic and actually laughed about it. Phew!

And that my friends, is how my toddler almost got me arrested.

Damn. I can't wait to see what her teen years bring.


  1. AAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! I can't WAIT until she's a teenager!!!! The stories you will tell!!! I am SO glad I know you, have I mentioned that?!?!?

  2. I love your blogs! They are absolutely hysterical. I think as parents we are getting a pay back for things we did as kids. Karma's a b**** you know. Lol.

  3. Oh my goodness. I can laugh at it all because it's not happening to me, but I'm not honestly sure one or the other of you is going to make it to her teen years.

    You ever thought about calling someone in to perform an exorcism? lol