Monday, March 26, 2012

Hillbilly Home Ec

If you'd have told me ten years ago, where I would be now, I'd probably have spit in your drink.  Back then, my dreams for the future most certainly did not include marrying a diesel driving, firefighting, true blue, hillbilly roughneck and popping out three kids in 3.5 years.  I also may have considered my maternity wardrobe a little more carefully if I knew I would be wearing it for 3 consecutive years.  Live and learn, right?

However, I have learned that you can not be with someone as long as The Firefighter and I have been together, without absorbing a bit of each other's personality.

Take this last week, for example. You may have noticed I was MIA.  That was because I was getting a crash course in Hillbilly Home EC.  That's right, folks, I was learning me to be all domesticated and shit.  I made bread, laundry detergent, shampoo, dish detergent, as well as practicing with the ol' sewing machine.

Let's just say, some enterprises were more successful than others.  Though, watching The Firefighter try to grate soap and not grate his knuckles was rather amusing.  In fact, it may have been the highlight of my week.  Don't be jealous.  Not everyone can lead excessively exciting lives like ours.   Seriously though, you woulda laughed too.  The Firefighter is skilled in many things, but correct usage of kitchen appliances is not one of them.

Thankfully, one of my more successful enterprises was running Miss Chatterbox's potty training bootcamp.  I am now the proud parent of a fully potty trained child who has taken up the mantel of official bathroom connoisseur of Charleston.  I do believe we have tried out every bathroom in a 50 mile radius of where we live.  In addition to her play by play announcing services, she has added private reviews, free of charge.

Typical Potty Trip with Miss Chatterbox

MC:  (In loud, outdoor voice) Momma, I poop!  Oh, no I just toot toot - hehehehehe!
Me:  Good baby, just hurry up.
MC:  Momma, somebody else pee peeing wheely wheely (really) loud.  (To the person) You wipe yet?  I wipe already.  Cover you ears! I flush the toilet.
MC:  (To person at sink) I went potty!!
Random Person:  Good job!
MC:  You go poop?
Random Person: uhhh, no?? (Quickly, leaving)
MC:  Bye!
MC: Hi! (to new person entering bathroom)  You have to go poop?  The toilet paper is yucky.  Not soft at all.  My mommy has wipes if you want one.
(We leave and go back into the dining room of the restaurant)
MC:  (In very loud outside voice)  DADDU, I GO POOP!

Sigh.  What can you do?

This last week also has been the longest continuous time period The Firefighter and I have been together in about a year.   That may or may not have made me more ornery than usual.

The Firefighter grumbled a little bit about a vegetarian dinner I made one night, so I felt compelled to fire back, "well what do you expect, Boo, when your $300 rifle and $100 worth of shrimping and flounder gigging equipment sits in the attic gathering dust rather than filling my freezer?"

The look on his face told me I hit the bulls eye, and as I was starting to feel guilty, he recovered nicely with, "well, why haven't you put up any tomatoes or peas?"

"When you gonna get me a house with some land, so I can do that?"

"About the same time I get you those damn boots you've been hassling me for for a year.  That is to say, don't hold your breath."

Yeah, I wasn't the only one feeling ornery.

I may also have dropped some not so subtle hints about his honey do list.

"Vaccumming is sexy"  "Diaper changing Daddies are hot"  and "Painter's get laid more."  may have been frequently uttered this past week.

 - Amber's Tip of the week -
Sex is a powerful negotiation tool.  Use it wisely.

Happy Monday!


  1. FireGirl does the same sort of potty announcements as Miss Chatterbox, though maybe not as outgoing.

    My personal favorite is when we leave the public restroom, and she runs full tilt to FireMan (or any other adult we happen to be with that day) yelling at the top of her lungs: "I went Poopie!" or "I went pee-pee!", or... you guessed it... "I went poopie & pee-pee!!!!!"

    She's so excited & proud of herself. Love it.

  2. When I stay out of the office (where the computer Facebook vampire lives) I get to live life and do stuff. I like it. Glad to see you like it too.

    I can't comment on the sex-bartering. I may be the one in our relationship that needs sex to motivate. And some weeks I feel like a cowgirl, and the damn fence STILL isn't up. So I will take your word on that one! LOL!