Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A King Size Dilemmna

The Firefighter and I recently upgraded our neck ache inducing, getyoursweatyfeetoffme, Iwillwhenyougetyourhairouttamymouth,  ittakestwotorollmypregnantassover double to a KING size mattress, Y'all.

(Sorry, no pics - 'cuz that's just kinda weird)

Now granted, we didn't buy the Rolls Royce of mattresses, but still, it was the difference between rollin' wit my homies in a prehistoric Ford Festiva, and cruising to the country club to meet Buffy in the fully appointed Hummer.  

It was totally dope!  

For the first time, in about a bazillion years, I didn't wake up drenched in sweat, with The Firefighter's drool in my hair and his knee up my arse.  He, in turn, didn't have to be woken up 3 or more times to help me to roll out of the blackhole that is the middle and didn't have to sleep guarding his nose and nuts against my flailing knees and elbows.  

(Seriously, Boo, I'm sorry about all the bloody noses over the years.  I was asleep, I swear!)

But now, a couple of months into king size mattress ownership, I've noticed that we still sleep curled up on our respective edges, just like we were still on our micro mini mattress. Which is good, because it leaves room for the three little stooges to join us without too many kicks to the gut.  But now that we aren't all up in each other shit all night, to my uber annoying overly hormonal pregnant mind it feels like a physical distance has grown between us.   

We both are feeling it.

Which means we are having to make an effort to touch each other.  Uhhh, that didn't come out right.  Lemme try that again.  We are having to take find time to be physical with one another.  Hmm, I mean we having think about touching eacOH to hell with it, You know what I mean, right?  Like hugs and holding hands and shit.

It's leading to some interesting scenarios since The Firefighter has some craptacular timing.  


As Y'all know, I'm 6 months pregnant with my third baby.  And as all you ladies who have been here know, if you don't take care of bidness the second the urge comes, you run the risk of dribbling in your drawers if a powerful sneeze, cough, laugh or baby kick takes you by surprise.  

So the second I made it into the house yesterday, I made a beeline for my throne.  Since, The Firefighter was home, I figured I might actually get to pee uninterrupted.  

I'm nothing if not optimistic.

My butt barely hits the porcelain before he comes trippy trottin' in, unannounced, wanting to chat it up. Then he chooses that moment to rub my back and neck.  Seriously?  Boys are so weird.  Of course, you know Miss Chatterbox has to come in and see what everyone was up to and add her running commentary.  Can we we say awkward family moment?

I'm glad everyone missed me, but sheesh!  

All because I had to upgrade my mattress with my tax return.  What was I thinking?

Happy Hump Day!

* Yes, I intentionally misspelled dilemma.  Long story. Basically autocorrect, which I can't seem to turn off, kept turning it into dildo.  I thought dilemmna was the lesser of two evils.  Okay, not so long a story, but now at least you don't think I'm stupid.


  1. We are just the opposite. My poor FF ends with me sleeping on his chest just because I can. I won't get a king, queen is just fine. I would only end up all the way on his side anyway, which means that it is a waste of real estate on the floor.

    1. I can understand that living in a tiny place myself! If we weren't of such freakishly large proportions (he's 6'2" and I'm 5'10") I'd probably had buyer's remorse and given some serious thought to returning it.

  2. We upgraded a couple of years ago. I love that there is now enough room for both of us and my body pillow. He still sleeps close to the edge. I've learned to sleep more like he used to and am taking up more room than ever.

    It was sad because after our first night sleeping on it he said it was the first time he could remember sleeping on his own bed without his feet hanging off. :( I'd kind of prefer to go back down to a queen because it is so big I sometimes feel like I'm sleeping alone even when he's home. But then I remember how comfy he finally is and I won't ever bring up my insecurities about it.

  3. I had to laugh over the "toilet massage." My husband chooses to use my toilet time as a platform for all the political things he thinks I should know. And I'm all trapped on the crapper and can't escape. Borderline abuse I think.
    And don't get me started on our Queen mattress issues... :)