Monday, May 21, 2012

Mom Slob

Some day my kids are gonna hate me.

Why?  You ask.

I am a mom slob. I am a mom slob because I dress like a redneck.  And I couldn't give less of a flamingo's fart about it.

I regularly rock holey maternity jeans or ancient stretched out yoga pants and my Boo's stained "fish" t-shirts with rolled up sleeves so they don't hang down past my elbows.  Clean is the only standard my undies go by - matching is totally overrated.  I rarely wear makeup (but my toenails are painted) and my hair hasn't been out of a ponytail in about a decade.

What does it say about me that I would actually wear this?

And yes, I've left the house looking like that.  Guess what?  It sure doesn't stop The Firefighter from trying to get with this fine piece of honey on the regular.  Mmmm Hmmm.  You know that's right, honey boo boo child.  I make trashy look good.

See, Kids?  It could get worse. 

No, I haven't made it onto the People of Wal-mart website - yet.  Definitely, isn't for lack of trying.

I think everyone should rock the redneck look once in awhile.  Seriously.  Dressing like a white trash trailer park princess has it's perks.

Top Ten reasons why looking like a redneck mom slob is practical. 

10.  Miss Chatterbox can recognize and name at least ten species of saltwater fish.  It's not lazy.  I'm edumacting my children with my slobbery.

9. The mean kid at the park hassling your sweet pea skedaddles when they see you coming.  One raised eyebrow from your direction keeps his sancti-mommy at bay.

8. Your baby decides she really doesn't like what your trying to feed her and llama spits it back at you.  Oh well, just wipe your glasses off and keep on trucking.  Your shirt was a loss long before that.

7.  You're dining out at a fancy joint like Chili's and your kid suddenly turns and wipes their face on your sleeve instead of their napkin.  Guess what?  You don't have to get mad at your baby.  No one can tell.

6.  You get to live in the moment and enjoy the simple things in life - like rolling down a hill with your kiddos.  Grass stains be darned.

5.  Your little sweetie finds a mud puddle to jump in and splatters you while you unload the groceries.  Oopsy.  No need to get pissy, there's no dry-cleaning bill to worry about.

4.  You kid is invited to an impromptu messy play playdate?  No problemo.  Grab the diaper bag and go.  You're already dressed appropriately to get down and dirty with the kids.

3.   Your kid sneezes and has a giant string of snot hanging out their nose - and there isn't a tissue anywhere in sight.  You can use the hem of your shirt, because who cares?  What's one more stain.

2.  Your dearest darling dimple butt tosses her new $40 pair of shoes out the car window.  No biggie.  You're equipped to tramp through the muddy roadside ditch to retrieve them.

1.  Strangers give you a wide berth and are excessively polite - especially, in hunting season, if they see you drive up in your diesel dually and think you might be packing.


Even Barbie rocks the look.

Happy Monday, Y'all!

4 comments:

  1. LOL!

    Well I make an attempt at not looking like a slob, but I'm by no means a clothes horse. Most all of my clothes come from thrift shops, mostly the once-a-month-50¢ clothing sale, so I don't care if they get torn, snotted on, or muddy. I just throw them away.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I will tell you a secret: I've been known to wear the same redneck outfit for 3 (maybe even 4) days in a row, esp. when I've just been sitting in the floor playing Hot Wheels and blocks, or watching Cars for the millionth time. If I can't smell it (EXCEPT the underwear), I can damn sure wear it again! And then my neighbors all see me on day 4 and swear I've lost weight 'cause it's all stretched out, see. And I do waaaaaay less laundry, too. Win/win!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol, I love it! I stopped caring what I look like about 3 kids ago... :) Currently, I'm sporting jogging pants that are way stretched out at the knees, and a t-shirt that clashes. And no makeup. But I did brush my teeth! :)

    ReplyDelete