Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Birthing and Balls

I had a hilarious conversation with a coworker the other day about the crazy things women say while in labor.  Birth stories are a totally normal conversation to have behind the bar, right?  I'm going blame the booze.  We all know alcohol has been the cause of oversharing since forever.

Anyway. Women, we are crazy.

Reasonably so, birthing babies ain't for wusses.

I never really shared my birth experiences here, because they sucked big, red, bubbly, baboon ass.  If a couple of near death experiences don't make you crazy, I don't know what will.  Some women are made for birthing babies.  I am not one of them, but, apparently, I am a glutton for punishment since I did it 3 times.

The beauty of these terrible experiences is that they left me with 3 amazing daughters and some really great war stories.  Which I, the queen of overshare, will now bequeath to you.

I labored for 48+ hours with Miss Chatterbox and actively pushed for 4 more.  With a near death experience thrown in the middle, just for shits and giggles.  You really don't want to know what 4 HOURS of bearing down can do to your lady bits.  No, seriously.  It's temporary, but it's really unpleasant.

Only 2 hours after having Miss Chatterbox, the nurse came in to get me up and into the bathtub. The Firefighter was on one side of me and the nurse had the other, since I was still a little unsteady from the epidural.  And as walked to the bathroom,  I looked at Mah Boo and said, "I feel sorry for you."

Looking at me like I'd lost my marbles he asked, "Why?"
"Because it really must suck ass to have balls," I replied.
He was silent for a moment as he contemplated whether it was wise to laugh or not.
"How would you know?" he said.
"Have you seen my cooter?  It's not like you could miss it.  It was the star of the show not to long ago and it feels like it's practically inside out.  Like balls sized out.  So, I think I'm as close to an authority on this subject as a woman can get without actually having real ones."

Yeah.  That's right, classy is my middle name.  Kinda like this AC/DC song.

  All together!  I've got big balls.  You've got big balls.  We've got the biggest balls of them all!


Do you have a funny birthing war story?  Let us hear it in the comments!

No comments:

Post a Comment