Thursday, April 2, 2015

How to put your kids to bed in 15 easy steps.

1. Starting at 6:00, watch the clock and swear it moves slower than molasses. 

2. At 6:05, check 3 other clocks to ensure that the one on the stove is indeed working.  

3. When the whines reach 100 decibels, discuss the rules of the bathtub. Talk about appropriate behavior. Warn of consequences. Look at the permablue spot on the ceiling and mutter menacingly to yourself while removing all soap, razors, shaving cream or shampoo from reach. Put kids in the tub. 

4. Record yourself saying, "water stays in the bathtub." Play it on repeat. 

5. Go grab extra towels. Put them on the floor where about 2/3 of the water has landed in the 30 seconds you were gone. Hey, at least you don't need to mop now. Pull the naked 2 year old off the window.  Tell the 6 year old to quit swinging on the curtain rod. Remind the 3 year old cannon balls aren't allowed.  Pick up the now empty shaving cream bottle and throw it away.  Sigh.  You can shave with soap.

6.  Drain the tub because it isn't a feather plucking wave pool. Check the clock. It's 6:15. Shit. Oh well. Early bedtime it is then.  

7. Give the kids their jammies and tell them to go brush their teeth. 

7. Go get another pair of jammies because those are "too scratchy".  

7. Get another pair of jammies because the last pair had "itchy feet". 

8. Cut the feet off of the jammies because you lost all f*cks 3 meltdowns ago.  

9. Watch them run around like maniacs.  Wish you could bottle that energy. Man, you'd be filthy rich. Tell them to brush their teeth. Again. Repeat, at least 10 more times, increasing in volume, until they do it. 

10.  Find toothpaste all over the mirror, yet not on toothbrushes.  Find hand soap on the toothbrushes. Find 2 year old wiping bubbles off her tongue. Assess whether or not you need to call poison control, which you have on speed dial.  Mentally drop the f-bomb while washing the soap off and sanitizing the toothbrushes. Tell them you will brush after they brush. Try not to get your finger bit. 

11. Chase the wild animals, you call your children, with detangler and attempt to brush their hair.  Hope the neighbors think the screaming is the coyotes that have been plaguing your area. 

12. Hug and kiss and tuck them into their beds.  Tell them you love them, they are good girls, they are smart and beautiful and how proud you are of them.  Don't forget to turn on dream machines, sprinkle fairy dust and give the exact same number of blowy kisses.  

13.  You gave one kiss too many. Shit. Shit. Shit. You're in for it tonight. Start all over because you broke the routine.  Visualize the enormous glass of wine you're going to drink. 

14.  Put kid who escaped back in bed.  Repeat every 30 seconds for the next 30 minutes.  

13.  Post up in the hallway between their rooms and alternate threatening and bribing them, for the love of chocolate cake, to stay in their &*&^^* $^^%&%^  beds for the next hour and a half.

14. Hallelujah!!  They are asleep.  It only took 2 hours tonight.  Drink the wine directly from the bottle.  

15.  Think about doing all the things you need to do, but don't do a single damn one for fear of waking the wee little beasties.  Attempt to watch a show you DVRed, but fall asleep before the first commercial break.